The Insidious Plot to Destroy My Mind

There’s been a lot of talk in the news lately about the NSA’s surveillance program. That stuff makes me cranky, but I think there is something even more nefarious going on that no newspaper is covering. I’m convinced that I’m being targeted as the subject of a psychological experiment, by unknown entities, for unknown reasons.

After my son outgrew his gifted clothes from the baby shower, my wife and I would find great outfits that were comfortable, affordable and sharp. The only problem was, we needed a 3 month size, which was the only size they didn’t have. 12 months? Check. 9 months? Check. Newborn? Check. 4 1/2 months? Check. 18 months? In busloads. But no 3 months.

Fast forward to today. We were at the store and my wife reminded me we needed to check for sleepwear for the little guy, since all his footie pajamas are heavy woolen shells with toasty microfoil innards that keep him warmer than a dead tauntaun on a cool Hothern night. (He inherited his sweat glands from his dad, so summer to him is like something out of Dante.)

I went to the infant clothes section, relieved because I wouldn’t be looking for 3-month-sized clothes. But of course, what did I find? Nice lightweight pajamas…in size 3 months. And 6 months. And 18 months. And 24 months. And 9 months. And 15 months. JUST…NOT…12 MONTHS.

So to whomever is studying me, you’ve done it. I’m a broken man. Now please, just put the 12 month clothes back on the shelves.


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