My wife and I have devious plans to teach our kid to be weird before he’s able to realize he’s being weird. Here are five things we’ve plotted:
- No “Go potty” or “Gotta poop” for our kid. We’re going to teach him the only way adults will let you use the bathroom is if you use a robot voice and say, “Must…evacuate…now.”
- Misheard lyrics to popular kids songs. Will the teacher call us when Wolfe is bellowing, “Shave, shave, shave your goat” at the top of his lungs?
- Silly walks, a la Monty Python. Although while he’s learning how, he’ll probably accomplish these on his own.
- Even cutesier-than-normal names for private parts. He’ll know never to let anyone touch his “wee Willie Wonka” or his “flibbertigibbets.”
- Introductions. Whenever he meets a girl, we’re going to teach him to say, “My name’s Wolfe. Wanna howl with me? OWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Now for the guest blog. Wolfe has asked for a chance to voice his own opinion. I give you the first “really cranky baby” guest post.
Wolfe writes: “gvfg h nn 4r r tbfrdreyr”
All right, got to go. Wolfe just simultaneously pooped and spit up on my keyboard.