Church is Dangerous

Today my wife made me and Wolfe go to church again. I’ve tried to convince her that church is dangerous, but she refuses to listen. My point, however, was proven in a most unsettling manner.

Wolfe was asleep when we got there, so we left him in his car seat. Unfortunately the pew was full and the car seat is too big to fit anywhere other than beside the pew, partially out in the aisle. When the time came for offering, my wife admonished me to “watch Wolfe.”

I did. I watched him like a hawk. It didn’t stop the usher from tripping over him. My wife glared at me and I glared right back. I’d already told her that church was dangerous, and I’d followed her instructions and watched Wolfe. She whispered that I should have put a hand on top of his car seat or made some sort of warning signal to notify people he was there. I whispered back that it’s a car seat in the middle of the aisle–if the usher missed it, I don’t think any of those other things would help. She rolled her eyes at me.

However, when second offering came around (yep, it’s that kind of church), I picked up Wolfe’s car seat and put the whole kit and kaboodle on my lap. Ridiculous looking? Yes. Uncomfortable? Of course. But nobody stumbled over him, and while my wife wasn’t happy (she thought I was trying to prove some kind of point), it turned out ok.

Now, Wolfe slept through the whole service–something my wife won’t allow me to do–so he wasn’t as upset by the events as my wife and I were. However, I’ve decided to develop a new product for parents who feel like they have to take their kid to church. It’s a two-part kit: warning cones for baby, ear plugs for Dad. If you’d like to order, just send me a message and I’ll give you the info.

In the meantime, would somebody please tell my wife to stop making me and Wolfe go to church? It’s dangerous.


  1. Great post! I agree, Matt. Church is dangerous. My dad never used to get colds and when my step-mom started making him go to church, he started getting nasty cases of the flu several times a year. In their church they do that hand shaking thing that lets in germs from all kinds of places. A walk in the park or forest is so much healthier.

    1. I think the church my wife makes us go to does that too. This is one situation where I’m glad for her punctuality issues–we’re rarely there for the first 15 minutes of service, so we get to miss all the glad-handing.

  2. Marie-B · · Reply

    HEY, Church is good for the soul, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Where better to go if your going to die, than to church.

  3. 2 offerings? Lame-o. Church might be good for the sould but it sounds like its hard on the wallet!!

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