Father’s Day Five

First of all, happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there!

Now, if you’re anything like me and my wife, as soon as you told people you were having a baby you were deluged with all the negatives of being a parent.

Sleep?, those well-wishers would comment. Say goodbye to that! Movies? Can’t even remember how you go about watching one of those. Hobbies? Those were nice–from what we can recall, since we haven’t been able to do anything but raise a child for the past five (or two, or twelve, or twenty-seven) years.

I’d like to tell you those things are all untrue. Unfortunately, the sleep one (at least for the last six weeks) is somewhat accurate. On the other hand, I’ve completely refinished our basement while my wife is doing night time feedings.

What these people don’t tell you is that there are some things you cannot do unless and until you’re a parent. So, I’m going to list five things that are impossible without having a baby. Enjoy!

  1. Eating a slice of cheese pizza and commenting on how the shop gave you a bonus black olive, and then having your wife tell you the baby’s umbilical stump seems to have fallen off.
  2. Being able to soil yourself in every way imaginable and blame it on having an infant.
  3. Watching the hilarious expressions on peoples’ faces when they ask you if he’s a good baby and you reply with, “Actually, no. He’s a real asshole.”
  4. Getting to research articles about the smell, shape and consistency of bowel movements without your spouse yelling at you.
  5. Wearing coordinated clothing with a kid on holidays (like Father’s Day) is not considered creepy any more.

And those are just the first five I could think of. Seriously, being a parent is great, and on my first “official” Father’s Day, the best gift of all was getting to cuddle with my son–although wearing the matching outfits was pretty cool too! (That benefit may go away by the time he hits 18.)



  1. Hollie · · Reply

    It took you to #5 before the list was amusing. I like to see matching outfits. Makes for great pictures too! (#3 needs to be deleted.) Of course, this is just my opinion.

  2. Oh my Matt!! Love number 3! Would you mind if we steal that line??

    1. Feel free to use it!

    2. thecaloriecountess · · Reply

      Jess, let us know if you want the poop article we cut out. It has pictures and everything! 🙂

  3. […] post about Father’s Day just wasn’t enough…so I’m making this Father’s Week. (I know, it’s […]

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